I'm Still Alive

I'm still alive.  The holidays were horrible for me.  Well the actual day wasn't too bad (even though I was alone) but the days afterward were almost more than I could handle.  Dad's birthday would have been in January, mom's would have been later this month.

My rock, Aunt Betty has been sick since before Christmas and has been in and out of the hospital.  I'm not sure but I think Hospice may soon be called in for her.  I HATE this. I hate it.  Aunt Betty and I spoke on the phone everyday since dad passed - up until she got sick. Now I can go days, or even a week without talking to anyone.  It's hard.

I am trying to get a life.  Really I am.  Wednesday morning Bible study, a support group for people with bipolar that meets twice a month.  It's not a lot I know but I just don't know what to do with myself.  My house is a huge mess from not taking care of it while I was taking care of dad and now I have kept stuff from his house that I need to go through.  I am tripping over stuff and running into bins.  It's terrible.  My depression is really why I can't seem to do anything.  It's like where do I start?  There is so much.

A stray cat showed up in the neighborhood last month, me and my neighbor had been feeding it.  I finally was able to catch it, took it the the vet and have adopted it.  She has a herpes virus in one eye so I have had to keep her separate from my other cats.  Her eye seems tons better and I will soon try to get everyone merged together.  I hope it works.  Because of her herpes no one will want to adopt her (it can be catching).  I had to get rid of one of my cats because she kept attacking dad's cat.  Dad's cat had been through so much that I felt I had to keep her, but getting rid of Maggie was the hardest thing I had to do.

Everything legal has been done with dad's stuff.  Well I have to file his last tax return, but that's it.  The house has been sold (for next to nothing because of the housing market).

My brother won't talk to me (he is living about 6 hours from me) he blames me for the mess his life is in.  The one niece that I am in contact with is married with 4 children and lives about an hour away.

I needed a power of attorney in case I got sick and couldn't think of anyone.  I finally asked a cousin that I rarely see (and lives about 45 minutes away) if I could use her.  Luckily she agreed.

My doctor wants me to have a colonoscopy. Not because of any problems but because of my age.  Trouble is that they put you to sleep so you have to have someone to take you there and bring you home.  I don't have anyone to ask to do that.  My doctor acts like he doesn't believe me, but it's true.  You don't want to ask someone you barely know to do such a thing.  Also I am not wild about the idea of being put to sleep, the last surgery I had (which I was under deeper and longer than the colonoscopy would be) it messed me up and I ended up in the hospital for 4 days while they changed my meds around.  I can't do anything that I might end up being hospitalized for.  I don't have anyone to take care of my pets.

I KNOW I am so much better off than a lot of people, I realize that I should not complain about anything.  But it is hard to be so lonely.  I always had a feeling I would end up like this but had hoped somehow, someway it wouldn't happen.

 I will get through this, I am still going to grief counseling, to my doctor, taking my meds, and even if I am ignoring the house work I stay busy playing games online.

Long entry.  Sorry.  I hear there is a way I can fix it so that my entries can go directly into my readers mailbox? The only thing I saw was where I had to enter the email addresses in myself.  So if you want me to put you on that list just email me and I will add you.  If there is another way of doing it please tell me.

Kathy