I'm Still Alive

I'm still alive.  The holidays were horrible for me.  Well the actual day wasn't too bad (even though I was alone) but the days afterward were almost more than I could handle.  Dad's birthday would have been in January, mom's would have been later this month.

My rock, Aunt Betty has been sick since before Christmas and has been in and out of the hospital.  I'm not sure but I think Hospice may soon be called in for her.  I HATE this. I hate it.  Aunt Betty and I spoke on the phone everyday since dad passed - up until she got sick. Now I can go days, or even a week without talking to anyone.  It's hard.

I am trying to get a life.  Really I am.  Wednesday morning Bible study, a support group for people with bipolar that meets twice a month.  It's not a lot I know but I just don't know what to do with myself.  My house is a huge mess from not taking care of it while I was taking care of dad and now I have kept stuff from his house that I need to go through.  I am tripping over stuff and running into bins.  It's terrible.  My depression is really why I can't seem to do anything.  It's like where do I start?  There is so much.

A stray cat showed up in the neighborhood last month, me and my neighbor had been feeding it.  I finally was able to catch it, took it the the vet and have adopted it.  She has a herpes virus in one eye so I have had to keep her separate from my other cats.  Her eye seems tons better and I will soon try to get everyone merged together.  I hope it works.  Because of her herpes no one will want to adopt her (it can be catching).  I had to get rid of one of my cats because she kept attacking dad's cat.  Dad's cat had been through so much that I felt I had to keep her, but getting rid of Maggie was the hardest thing I had to do.

Everything legal has been done with dad's stuff.  Well I have to file his last tax return, but that's it.  The house has been sold (for next to nothing because of the housing market).

My brother won't talk to me (he is living about 6 hours from me) he blames me for the mess his life is in.  The one niece that I am in contact with is married with 4 children and lives about an hour away.

I needed a power of attorney in case I got sick and couldn't think of anyone.  I finally asked a cousin that I rarely see (and lives about 45 minutes away) if I could use her.  Luckily she agreed.

My doctor wants me to have a colonoscopy. Not because of any problems but because of my age.  Trouble is that they put you to sleep so you have to have someone to take you there and bring you home.  I don't have anyone to ask to do that.  My doctor acts like he doesn't believe me, but it's true.  You don't want to ask someone you barely know to do such a thing.  Also I am not wild about the idea of being put to sleep, the last surgery I had (which I was under deeper and longer than the colonoscopy would be) it messed me up and I ended up in the hospital for 4 days while they changed my meds around.  I can't do anything that I might end up being hospitalized for.  I don't have anyone to take care of my pets.

I KNOW I am so much better off than a lot of people, I realize that I should not complain about anything.  But it is hard to be so lonely.  I always had a feeling I would end up like this but had hoped somehow, someway it wouldn't happen.

 I will get through this, I am still going to grief counseling, to my doctor, taking my meds, and even if I am ignoring the house work I stay busy playing games online.

Long entry.  Sorry.  I hear there is a way I can fix it so that my entries can go directly into my readers mailbox? The only thing I saw was where I had to enter the email addresses in myself.  So if you want me to put you on that list just email me and I will add you.  If there is another way of doing it please tell me.

Kathy

The holidays

Dad's house is on the market but so far no takers.

I knew the holidays would be hard this year but I was preparing to take one at a time. But you can't do that if when you walk into a store, any store, and Christmas stuff is out. I was trying to get past Thanksgiving.

I will be alone for the holidays. Someone did offer for me to join her family but I just don't know. Thanksgiving would be at her daughter's house out of town and I think it would be too uncomfortable for me. Christmas, well I would still feel strange. If it was just B and her husband would be one thing but being that her children and grandchildren would be there I just don't feel comfortable.

I do have tons of stuff here at home that could keep me busy -- if I would just get off my rear end and do things. LOL

I'll be ok. Not sure what I will be doing for sure, but I'll get through it somehow.

Kathy

No title

Today has been a better day for me. Not great, but better. I called to get the water turned off at dad's house. I either had to get a copy of his death certificate to them OR I could put it in my name (and pay $20 to do it) then I could get the water cut off. Really. They won't just turn off someone's water (which I can u

nderstand to an extent) but they would let me change the name the account is in then cut the water off. Hmmm........wonder.......could I just pick a random person call the water department and have them put it in another name and have it cut off? Could I use just any name that came to mind?

Sorry, but getting somethings done with power, water, and cable has been crazy. The telephone people were no problem. Everyone else is just crazy.

Lower part of my back is hurting again. I don't think I did anything to it this time.

I had Sophie's bottom lip operated on this past Friday (Sophie is my cat) and it has been healing up pretty good but today

it looks a little funny to me. I don't want to freak out and rush her back to the vet so I am going to way a few days to see what happens. Maybe it is supposed to look like this.

Looking around my house trying to see where to start working. Going through the things I kept out of dad's house, or some of my own junk. Actually to get to my junk I will have to go through the things I kept from dads. I have no idea what I am going to do with stuff. Hopefully I will be able to let more things go as I go back through them.

Tomorrow I am going to try to get to Wednesday morning Bible study. It will get me out of the

house and it is free. Free is good.

Almost done with dad's house.

It has been just a few days over 4 months since dad passed away. I have been working hard on getting his house emptied and cleaned so I can get it sold. This past Friday (the 28th) the for sale sign went into the front yard.

I did the yard sale, I kept stuff (my house looks like a hoarder lives here now), gave stuff away, bartered with a plumber to get some work done at my house with some stuff, and I still ended up having to pay someone to take the sofa away. But I got the house empty. My house is so full of stuff and I only kept about half what I wanted. Now I have to go through my house and get rid of my old stuff, the stuff I kept from dads or something. I have one room I can't even go into now. It's sad if you think about it.

Seeing the for sale sign in front of dad's house, the house I grew up in, is really sad. And after talking to a real estate auctioneer and a real estate agent I was sad to discover that the housing market is worse than I thought. I am being told that there are tons of houses on the market and mostly investors are doing the buying. Investors want to buy cheap and rent out the house. They don't want to pay much. I will be lucky to get even half of the tax value for the house. My dad would die all over again if he knew how much -- how little -- I can expect to sell the house for.

Dad's best friend helped me get through getting rid of everything. He kept me going, even after he couldn't go much more. Now there is nothing. I wake up in the morning with no place to go -- for over 2 years I took care of dad, then the past 4 months I'd meet up with Mike and go through stuff at dad's. Now I wake up and have no place to go. I have no one to call. I have no family here in town. I have no friends. I lost my "friends" over the years because they couldn't deal with my being bipolar. It hadn't been too bad as long as I had mom and/or dad. Now.......my rock, my Aunt lives about 45 minutes away and she is not in good health, the one niece I am in contact with lives an hour away and is married with 4 small kids. That's about it. I worried about growing old alone and it looks like it is happening. I don't know how I can handle it.

I know I have to get out and make a life for myself somehow but I don't know how. I try to go to Wednesday morning Bible study which is good, but as far as making friends the people there are my parents age or older. There is a support group for bipolar folks and I have been but it just isn't working so good for me. And it only meets twice a month. Other than that I don't know what to do with myself. I am on disability because of my problems with being bipolar so no work or anything.

I am alone. I am lonely. I hate this. What am I going to do? How can I keep busy? How can I go days without seeing or talking to anyone? How am I going to go through all this crap in my house and get rid of it? How am I ever going to be happy?

For the last three or so years my life has been about mom being sick and dying, then dad getting sick and dying. I can't believe that for three years my thoughts have only been about sick and dying parents. It's been pretty depressing if you think about it. Now I don't have to think about such (but I do worry about my Aunt, I pray she doesn't pass anytime soon). It's weird. But it gives me time to think about me. About being alone. About being lonely.

I can't believe my life has ended up like this. I am glad I got to take care of my parents. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. And who knows I may have ended up right here just like this if I hadn't cared for them.

For now I am hanging on. I go to my shrink, I take my meds, I poop the cat litter box. I play a game on facebook. I play computer games, watch tv. Got to be more somehow. Has to be.

Kathy

Is has taken so long, but close to an end

My dad's best friend (Mike) has been helping me go through dad's house, sorting things, selling a few things, and biggest job of all getting things ready for a HUGE yard sale.  During this time I have been hit hard with grief so had to take some time off, and Mike's wife was in the hospital, and Mike himself had a small stroke and was in the hospital.  But this Saturday October the 1st is the day.  Yard sale.  Everything must go.  What doesn't sale will be donated, any furniture not sold will go with the house when it is sold.  I am planning on having the house auctioned off.  I think it will sell faster that way.  I am hoping to have everything taken care of by Thanksgiving if possible.  I don't want to drag it out, but I don't want to let go either.

Today I had dad's phone cut off.  The phone guy said do you or someone in the family want to keep that number?  It has been in the family so long.  I said no.  I wanted it, but it is a hassle to change my number, and I am working hard on "letting go" of things so I can "move on".  I asked him when did my parents first get that phone number.  Ready? January of 1966!  1966!  That is the only "home" phone number I ever knew.  Wow.

Haven't heard from my brother since he basically told me it is my fault he and his wife are homeless.  Not my fault.  They made decisions throughout their married life, burned bridges, treated people like they were disposable, and it has come back around to bite them.

Of my 3 nieces only 1 is in touch.  She is sweet, married, 4 kids, and lives about an hour from me.

When  I brought dad's cat (named 150) home with me I thought my cats would be ok with her.  And they were for a few weeks, then Maggie started stalking and attacking 150.  got so bad 150 was scared and would hide. Poor 150 had been through so much in her short life that I didn't want to uproot her again so with the help of my vet I found Maggie a new home.  It hurt, still hurts.  I have never gotten rid of a pet.  I miss my Maggie, I know she is in a good home (the vet's in-laws) but it hurts.  She loved me, but now probably hates me.

I'm hanging in there.  Grief counseling is helping some, but not enough.  I never knew it could be this hard.  But of course now I have no parents or family in town, I am having to get rid of the house (which I lived from the age of 13 to about 23 years old), and my brother is ........well....,...

Kathy

The yard guy

I have this guy -- well man -- that mows my yard for me. M is such a sweetheart. Anyway, he was mowing my yard today.....he is a nice looking man.......then he took his shirt off......OMG. Yes he is single, but recently divorced with a kid.

I am doing ok. Still have 2 cats that are fighting. I have tried everything I can think of.

Still going through dad's house. Worked on the basement some today. Dad's friend Mike came by to help me. Mike has called me everyday since dad passed to check on how I am and if I need any help. He was such a good friend to dad but I can't believe how he has taken me under his wing. Maybe I remind him of one of his daughters? He says it's because dad was his best friend, and he thinks I have been a pretty good daughter and he cares about me too.

Need to clean the cat boxes and just realized I am totally out of cat litter. Great. Can't go get any because I am waiting for the furnace/AC guy to come do the yearly maintenance on my system.

Tomorrow I go downtown to the courthouse to file dad's will and get the legal stuff done. I could have done it before now but couldn't get an appointment. I HATE going downtown for anything, but this is just the pits. Everything I have to do makes it more final. I was doing ok going through the house but then I sold some of dad's tools and I cried like a baby in front of these people. Dad loved his tool, he loved woodworking and it was so much harder to part with those things than I ever dreamed it would be. Now I wonder if I can actually hold a yard sale without losing it. That would be great. Yard sale, me in tears the whole day......

Alone again, naturally......

Having so much to do you would think I wouldn't let myself sit still and have pity parties for myself. But if you believe that you would be so wrong.

Working about a half a day at dad's house is about all I can do at a time. It just gets too hard. So I come home and all the stuff I have been neglecting the past couple years I find myself still ignoring. I either play on the computer or watch tv. Nothing is getting done at my house either.

I thought dad's cat was going to be getting along good with my 2 cats, but suddenly my Maggie decides she has to fight whenever she sees 150. This is something new. Wasn't there until a few days ago.

I know I am in no big hurry with dad's house, but I don't want it to drag on and on. I want to get "it all said done" before cold weather. I'm throwing stuff away, giving some away, and have a pile for a yard sale. I HATE doing a yard sale but I think I may need the money so it is something I am going to do.

Don't mind me. I hope to one day find myself again. Find the me that got lost while taking care of my parents. I don't know who she is, where she is. or what she would like to do with her life, but I am looking for her.