Almost done with dad's house.

It has been just a few days over 4 months since dad passed away. I have been working hard on getting his house emptied and cleaned so I can get it sold. This past Friday (the 28th) the for sale sign went into the front yard.

I did the yard sale, I kept stuff (my house looks like a hoarder lives here now), gave stuff away, bartered with a plumber to get some work done at my house with some stuff, and I still ended up having to pay someone to take the sofa away. But I got the house empty. My house is so full of stuff and I only kept about half what I wanted. Now I have to go through my house and get rid of my old stuff, the stuff I kept from dads or something. I have one room I can't even go into now. It's sad if you think about it.

Seeing the for sale sign in front of dad's house, the house I grew up in, is really sad. And after talking to a real estate auctioneer and a real estate agent I was sad to discover that the housing market is worse than I thought. I am being told that there are tons of houses on the market and mostly investors are doing the buying. Investors want to buy cheap and rent out the house. They don't want to pay much. I will be lucky to get even half of the tax value for the house. My dad would die all over again if he knew how much -- how little -- I can expect to sell the house for.

Dad's best friend helped me get through getting rid of everything. He kept me going, even after he couldn't go much more. Now there is nothing. I wake up in the morning with no place to go -- for over 2 years I took care of dad, then the past 4 months I'd meet up with Mike and go through stuff at dad's. Now I wake up and have no place to go. I have no one to call. I have no family here in town. I have no friends. I lost my "friends" over the years because they couldn't deal with my being bipolar. It hadn't been too bad as long as I had mom and/or dad. Now.......my rock, my Aunt lives about 45 minutes away and she is not in good health, the one niece I am in contact with lives an hour away and is married with 4 small kids. That's about it. I worried about growing old alone and it looks like it is happening. I don't know how I can handle it.

I know I have to get out and make a life for myself somehow but I don't know how. I try to go to Wednesday morning Bible study which is good, but as far as making friends the people there are my parents age or older. There is a support group for bipolar folks and I have been but it just isn't working so good for me. And it only meets twice a month. Other than that I don't know what to do with myself. I am on disability because of my problems with being bipolar so no work or anything.

I am alone. I am lonely. I hate this. What am I going to do? How can I keep busy? How can I go days without seeing or talking to anyone? How am I going to go through all this crap in my house and get rid of it? How am I ever going to be happy?

For the last three or so years my life has been about mom being sick and dying, then dad getting sick and dying. I can't believe that for three years my thoughts have only been about sick and dying parents. It's been pretty depressing if you think about it. Now I don't have to think about such (but I do worry about my Aunt, I pray she doesn't pass anytime soon). It's weird. But it gives me time to think about me. About being alone. About being lonely.

I can't believe my life has ended up like this. I am glad I got to take care of my parents. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. And who knows I may have ended up right here just like this if I hadn't cared for them.

For now I am hanging on. I go to my shrink, I take my meds, I poop the cat litter box. I play a game on facebook. I play computer games, watch tv. Got to be more somehow. Has to be.

Kathy