Turtle Toe Soup

The holidays

2011-11-17T13:13:00.002-05:00

Dad's house is on the market but so far no takers.

I knew the holidays would be hard this year but I was preparing to take one at a time. But you can't do that if when you walk into a store, any store, and Christmas stuff is out. I was trying to get past Thanksgiving.

I will be alone for the holidays. Someone did offer for me to join her family but I just don't know. Thanksgiving would be at her daughter's house out of town and I think it would be too uncomfortable for me. Christmas, well I would still feel strange. If it was just B and her husband would be one thing but being that her children and grandchildren would be there I just don't feel comfortable.

I do have tons of stuff here at home that could keep me busy -- if I would just get off my rear end and do things. LOL

I'll be ok. Not sure what I will be doing for sure, but I'll get through it somehow.

Kathy

No title

2011-11-01T15:37:00.004-04:00

Today has been a better day for me. Not great, but better. I called to get the water turned off at dad's house. I either had to get a copy of his death certificate to them OR I could put it in my name (and pay $20 to do it) then I could get the water cut off. Really. They won't just turn off someone's water (which I can u

nderstand to an extent) but they would let me change the name the account is in then cut the water off. Hmmm........wonder.......could I just pick a random person call the water department and have them put it in another name and have it cut off? Could I use just any name that came to mind?

Sorry, but getting somethings done with power, water, and cable has been crazy. The telephone people were no problem. Everyone else is just crazy.

Lower part of my back is hurting again. I don't think I did anything to it this time.

I had Sophie's bottom lip operated on this past Friday (Sophie is my cat) and it has been healing up pretty good but today

it looks a little funny to me. I don't want to freak out and rush her back to the vet so I am going to way a few days to see what happens. Maybe it is supposed to look like this.

Looking around my house trying to see where to start working. Going through the things I kept out of dad's house, or some of my own junk. Actually to get to my junk I will have to go through the things I kept from dads. I have no idea what I am going to do with stuff. Hopefully I will be able to let more things go as I go back through them.

Tomorrow I am going to try to get to Wednesday morning Bible study. It will get me out of the

house and it is free. Free is good.

Almost done with dad's house.

2011-10-30T17:13:00.003-04:00

It has been just a few days over 4 months since dad passed away. I have been working hard on getting his house emptied and cleaned so I can get it sold. This past Friday (the 28th) the for sale sign went into the front yard.

I did the yard sale, I kept stuff (my house looks like a hoarder lives here now), gave stuff away, bartered with a plumber to get some work done at my house with some stuff, and I still ended up having to pay someone to take the sofa away. But I got the house empty. My house is so full of stuff and I only kept about half what I wanted. Now I have to go through my house and get rid of my old stuff, the stuff I kept from dads or something. I have one room I can't even go into now. It's sad if you think about it.

Seeing the for sale sign in front of dad's house, the house I grew up in, is really sad. And after talking to a real estate auctioneer and a real estate agent I was sad to discover that the housing market is worse than I thought. I am being told that there are tons of houses on the market and mostly investors are doing the buying. Investors want to buy cheap and rent out the house. They don't want to pay much. I will be lucky to get even half of the tax value for the house. My dad would die all over again if he knew how much -- how little -- I can expect to sell the house for.

Dad's best friend helped me get through getting rid of everything. He kept me going, even after he couldn't go much more. Now there is nothing. I wake up in the morning with no place to go -- for over 2 years I took care of dad, then the past 4 months I'd meet up with Mike and go through stuff at dad's. Now I wake up and have no place to go. I have no one to call. I have no family here in town. I have no friends. I lost my "friends" over the years because they couldn't deal with my being bipolar. It hadn't been too bad as long as I had mom and/or dad. Now.......my rock, my Aunt lives about 45 minutes away and she is not in good health, the one niece I am in contact with lives an hour away and is married with 4 small kids. That's about it. I worried about growing old alone and it looks like it is happening. I don't know how I can handle it.

I know I have to get out and make a life for myself somehow but I don't know how. I try to go to Wednesday morning Bible study which is good, but as far as making friends the people there are my parents age or older. There is a support group for bipolar folks and I have been but it just isn't working so good for me. And it only meets twice a month. Other than that I don't know what to do with myself. I am on disability because of my problems with being bipolar so no work or anything.

I am alone. I am lonely. I hate this. What am I going to do? How can I keep busy? How can I go days without seeing or talking to anyone? How am I going to go through all this crap in my house and get rid of it? How am I ever going to be happy?

For the last three or so years my life has been about mom being sick and dying, then dad getting sick and dying. I can't believe that for three years my thoughts have only been about sick and dying parents. It's been pretty depressing if you think about it. Now I don't have to think about such (but I do worry about my Aunt, I pray she doesn't pass anytime soon). It's weird. But it gives me time to think about me. About being alone. About being lonely.

I can't believe my life has ended up like this. I am glad I got to take care of my parents. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. And who knows I may have ended up right here just like this if I hadn't cared for them.

For now I am hanging on. I go to my shrink, I take my meds, I poop the cat litter box. I play a game on facebook. I play computer games, watch tv. Got to be more somehow. Has to be.

Kathy

Is has taken so long, but close to an end

2011-09-27T15:38:00.000-04:00

My dad's best friend (Mike) has been helping me go through dad's house, sorting things, selling a few things, and biggest job of all getting things ready for a HUGE yard sale. During this time I have been hit hard with grief so had to take some time off, and Mike's wife was in the hospital, and Mike himself had a small stroke and was in the hospital. But this Saturday October the 1st is the day. Yard sale. Everything must go. What doesn't sale will be donated, any furniture not sold will go with the house when it is sold. I am planning on having the house auctioned off. I think it will sell faster that way. I am hoping to have everything taken care of by Thanksgiving if possible. I don't want to drag it out, but I don't want to let go either.

Today I had dad's phone cut off. The phone guy said do you or someone in the family want to keep that number? It has been in the family so long. I said no. I wanted it, but it is a hassle to change my number, and I am working hard on "letting go" of things so I can "move on". I asked him when did my parents first get that phone number. Ready? January of 1966! 1966! That is the only "home" phone number I ever knew. Wow.

Haven't heard from my brother since he basically told me it is my fault he and his wife are homeless. Not my fault. They made decisions throughout their married life, burned bridges, treated people like they were disposable, and it has come back around to bite them.

Of my 3 nieces only 1 is in touch. She is sweet, married, 4 kids, and lives about an hour from me.

When I brought dad's cat (named 150) home with me I thought my cats would be ok with her. And they were for a few weeks, then Maggie started stalking and attacking 150. got so bad 150 was scared and would hide. Poor 150 had been through so much in her short life that I didn't want to uproot her again so with the help of my vet I found Maggie a new home. It hurt, still hurts. I have never gotten rid of a pet. I miss my Maggie, I know she is in a good home (the vet's in-laws) but it hurts. She loved me, but now probably hates me.

I'm hanging in there. Grief counseling is helping some, but not enough. I never knew it could be this hard. But of course now I have no parents or family in town, I am having to get rid of the house (which I lived from the age of 13 to about 23 years old), and my brother is ........well....,...

Kathy

The yard guy

2011-07-20T15:11:00.002-04:00

I have this guy -- well man -- that mows my yard for me. M is such a sweetheart. Anyway, he was mowing my yard today.....he is a nice looking man.......then he took his shirt off......OMG. Yes he is single, but recently divorced with a kid.

I am doing ok. Still have 2 cats that are fighting. I have tried everything I can think of.

Still going through dad's house. Worked on the basement some today. Dad's friend Mike came by to help me. Mike has called me everyday since dad passed to check on how I am and if I need any help. He was such a good friend to dad but I can't believe how he has taken me under his wing. Maybe I remind him of one of his daughters? He says it's because dad was his best friend, and he thinks I have been a pretty good daughter and he cares about me too.

Need to clean the cat boxes and just realized I am totally out of cat litter. Great. Can't go get any because I am waiting for the furnace/AC guy to come do the yearly maintenance on my system.

Tomorrow I go downtown to the courthouse to file dad's will and get the legal stuff done. I could have done it before now but couldn't get an appointment. I HATE going downtown for anything, but this is just the pits. Everything I have to do makes it more final. I was doing ok going through the house but then I sold some of dad's tools and I cried like a baby in front of these people. Dad loved his tool, he loved woodworking and it was so much harder to part with those things than I ever dreamed it would be. Now I wonder if I can actually hold a yard sale without losing it. That would be great. Yard sale, me in tears the whole day......

Alone again, naturally......

2011-07-10T09:43:00.003-04:00

Having so much to do you would think I wouldn't let myself sit still and have pity parties for myself. But if you believe that you would be so wrong.

Working about a half a day at dad's house is about all I can do at a time. It just gets too hard. So I come home and all the stuff I have been neglecting the past couple years I find myself still ignoring. I either play on the computer or watch tv. Nothing is getting done at my house either.

I thought dad's cat was going to be getting along good with my 2 cats, but suddenly my Maggie decides she has to fight whenever she sees 150. This is something new. Wasn't there until a few days ago.

I know I am in no big hurry with dad's house, but I don't want it to drag on and on. I want to get "it all said done" before cold weather. I'm throwing stuff away, giving some away, and have a pile for a yard sale. I HATE doing a yard sale but I think I may need the money so it is something I am going to do.

Don't mind me. I hope to one day find myself again. Find the me that got lost while taking care of my parents. I don't know who she is, where she is. or what she would like to do with her life, but I am looking for her.

Angels

2011-06-26T11:31:00.002-04:00

Angels.

I was sitting in the room with daddy yesterday, I looked over and his eyes were open and he was looking up. So I walked over, put my hand on his chest and started talking to him. I asked him if he could see angels. I told him they were all round us, I had my guardian angel that would take care of me. If he was seeing angels then they were going to take him to Jesus. If they were wanting him to go with him then he should go. And that is when his heart stopped. I knew his gone but I called for the nurse and he had indeed left with the angels. No doubt in my mind that he saw angels and they were going to take him to Jesus.

The doctor and everyone was surprised, they thought daddy would live a few more days. Just goes to show what they know. Daddy was waiting on the angels, and maybe even waiting on me to tell him it was ok to go.

the nurse had to wait 5 minutes before declaring him dead, so she wrote down 2:27PM, but I know the angels took him at 2:22PM

Can you see the angels?

2011-06-25T20:00:00.001-04:00

rest in peace

Daddy

1/26/37 ---6/25-11

Friday -- a week at Hospice

2011-06-24T07:42:00.000-04:00

A week ago this afternoon we brought dad to Hospice.

Sunday -- Father's day -- was the last time I was able to have a conversation with him., and that was just before lunch time.

Dad is still hanging on. He finally seems more restful and peaceful. I guess they have got his medicines right. His anxiety seems less and less. But it is still hard to sit here and watch him. I come and stay the biggest part of the day, wish I could stay more but the stress is just too much for me. I hope dad understands.

Keep up those prayers. Thanks.

Kathy

update

2011-06-21T18:52:00.000-04:00

update

I am sitting here in the Hospice room with daddy. Today he seems more peaceful than the past few days. He isn't waking up as much and even though his breathing isn't "normal" it seems easier for him to breathe.

They have his CPAP on him most of the time because it is easier to breathe with than than just the oxygen in the nose. Today dad is taking longer between breaths, as much as 30 seconds. Nurses tell me that is to be expected. That it could get better, stay the same or get worse. And there is no telling how much time it will stay one way or the other.

Dad's feet are really cold now. The blood circulation to them is about gone. Dad is at the point where his brain sends all the blood to his brain and lungs. It's just what a body does. And there is this thing called mottling that is happening to dad's feet.

Important Update

2011-06-19T15:39:00.001-04:00

Dad is not doing really good. His doctor said that depends on what happens over the next few days will tell just how much longer he has. IF he improves some he could live another 2 or 3 months. If he DOES NOT improve it could be days or weeks. The doctor said that if anyone wants to see him it would be better to do it as soon as you can as we just don't know how much longer daddy has.
This is really hard. Hospice is making sure dad is as comfortable as possible.

I am going through this alone and am trying to stay together. So we both need your prayers. Thanks so much everyone.

And not that it really matters much anymore, tomorrow morning workmen are coming to my house to start building me a new screened in back porch. And Wednesday the 22nd is my birthday.

Hospice

2011-06-19T10:43:00.001-04:00

Friday afternoon I had to call the Hospice nurse out and the decision was made that dad needed to go to the Hospice house for at least a few days so we could get his breathing under control.

Dad had a really bad first evening. But was doing some better. Yesterday was an ok day as far as Dad's days go. The decision was made to give him a pump so he could have continuous meds to help him breathe better.

But this morning he was really confused and I had to get the nurse to help me with him. Nurse says that dad's disease will cause him to get more and more confused, more and more augmentative, and have more and more anxiety. This is something I didn't know.

Update on dad

2011-05-27T16:54:00.002-04:00

Dad is ok, but he isn't doing too good. His oxygen levels usually hang around 96 or 97, today when the nurse came it was 93. Nurse B said not to worry until it got into the low 80s. Well poo on Nurse B, I will worry if I want to.

Dad is having problems -- again -- with his blood pressure dropping when he stands. It is also low just sitting. Nurse B called the doctor and Dr said to stop one of dad's blood pressure medicines.

I was told by P, the Hospice social worker, that COPD can change on a dime. So I just don't know what to expect. Well I sort of do, but I still don't know. I know that sounds weird, but I guess I'm confused about a lot of things at the moment.

I am guessing we will soon be at the point where dad can't get out of the bed. When that happens I don't know what I'll do. I can't take care of him if he is bedridden.

Oh, did I tell you that I had to have one of dad's cats Sarah put to sleep a few weeks ago? He still has the other cat -- 150 --. It was hard to let go of Sarah. She was 16 years old. Such a sweet cat, we even mentioned her in mom's obit.

So we got through

2011-05-10T15:10:00.002-04:00

From March until after Mother's Day is hard for me. Mom was diagnosed on March 13, 2008 with lung cancer, on May 3rd of the same year she died. That's not even 2 months. The Sunday after we buried her was Mother's Day. Mother's Day will always be within a week of the anniversary of mom passing.

Last week I had to take Sarah -- dad's cat -- to the vet and had her put to sleep. She was 16 years old and Dr B said she could live probably another month or two but I didn't want to drag it out for her. That just wouldn't be fair to the cat. Sarah was mom's cat too. We even mentioned Sarah in mom's obituary.

Dad was doing pretty good, but the past week or so he seems to be going downhill. He is becoming more tired, and something else is wrong. I can't figure out what it is, maybe it's depression. I mentioned everything I could think of to dad's nurse today, and he (the nurse, we have a male nurse) said it could be a number of things. Depression being one, the progression of dad's illness, or a combination of things. Of course I am a worrier so I go straight to the bad stuff.

My brother......he and his wife are basically homeless. I got a text from him saying they were in Colorado and would find a job and all there. About a week later I get a text saying they were here in NC at the coast. He asked about dad and I told him, he says so it's bad huh, and I said yes. Did he call dad? Nope. When they were out roaming around the country did he call dad once? Did they stop by on the way to the NC coast? no, no, no. I get so upset and mad thinking about my brother that I try not to.

Dad's home

2011-04-20T11:46:00.002-04:00

Got dad home from the hospital last night. He is doing really good. The doctor did send him home on oxygen, and with full Hospice care. I am not sure exactly what that is saying about how long dad has to live. Can't get a straight answer out of anyone. I know Hospice is usually for the last 6 months of life. Dad and I have NOT spoken about how much time he may or may not have left. The 3rd anniversary of mom's death is coming up on May 3rd and that bothers me. Hopefully that won't trigger something inside dad.

I don't have the internet at dad's house so I can only update when I come home to feed the cats, or if I feel dad is good enough to be left alone for awhile. But I'll try to keep everyone up to date.

Prayers are always welcome,

Kathy

The hospital again.

2011-04-17T18:37:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had to call 911. Dad was having way too much trouble breathing. He really didn't want me to call but I had to.

Dad is in the hospital in TICU. He is doing pretty good. They are having problems keeping his oxygen levels up where they would like them to be.

Dad has some fluid in his right lung and outside of his lungs. The doctor has been talking about going in and draining some of the fluid off.

That's all I know for now.

Keep us in your prayers.

The latest on dad

2011-02-07T13:45:00.001-05:00

The CT scan showed that dad has emphysema really bad, and has scar tissue in/on his lungs. All this is probably from him smoking all those years. But that doesn't explain the blood he has been coughing up -- which is getting worse. So they are going to do another test -- probably Wednesday but could be Thursday -- where they run a light down into his lungs and maybe even take a biopsy to see if there is any cancer.

Whatever comes up there is a high likely-hood that dad will be on oxygen when he comes home. The doctor says he needs to have dad up on his feet and around some before he makes that decision.

That's all I know right now. Please keep us in your prayers,

Kathy

And he is back in the hospital.

2011-02-06T15:40:00.001-05:00

Dad went to the ER Friday night because he was having trouble breathing.

Today he is doing good.

Dad has congestive heart failure and had gotten too much fluids in/around his lungs/heart. They are working to get the fluid off of him. He is breathing much better today. They also did a CT scan of his lungs to see if they can find out why he has been coughing up blood. Don't have the results from that yet.

Thursday

2011-01-27T17:25:00.002-05:00

Hello world. Or the little part that still listens.

Took Dad to his cardiac doctor today. Everything is pretty much stable. Except for the fact that dad has been coughing/spiting up blood. So the doctor is sending him to a lung specialist on Feb 15th. Because mom died from lung cancer of course that is where my mind automatically goes. I am praying it isn't that.

My niece that had the baby back in December has been depressed. I worry about her. I hope it is just the baby blues and nothing more. Of course if I had 4 kids I think I would be depressed too!

I guess I have mentioned my cat Maggie. She is overweight (aren't we all?) and can't clean herself so good. And the vet really let me have it for the way her bottom looked (the cat not the vet's bottom) so I have been cleaning her everyday. I have these wipes for "between baths" (I don't give my cats baths) that I use. Everyday when I come home from dad's Maggie will fuss and fuss until I pick her up and clean her little hiney. It's kind of cute that she fusses to get me to clean her. And I was afraid she wouldn't like it. LOL

I have been thinking about the old AOL J-Land days. I so wish we could turn back time to those days. I know I need to do a better job of keeping up with everyone here in blog-land, but somehow it just isn't the same. Is it just me?

Love everyone of you guys/girls.

Kathy

Forgot to add....

2011-01-07T19:36:00.002-05:00

Dad was in the hospital the week of Christmas. He was having problems breathing so I called 911. He has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. He has the Diastolic heart failure kind.

I have to weigh him everyday to make sure he isn't gaining too much weight (in fluids) so we can get the fluids off him before he ends up not being able to breathe again

I'm still around

2011-01-07T19:25:00.002-05:00

Good news. My niece had a baby (kid #4) about 1 week before Christmas. Little Piper Grace weighed in at 8 pounds 7.5 ounces.

Before I forget.....Russ if you are reading this (and I hope you are) you need to check out this new website: http://www.thecartooniststudio.com/ it is based here in my hometown and the newspaper says it is "more than 25 cartoonist have created pages........photos of work.....interact with fans directly.......site also lets aspiring cartoonist add their work......Amateur Cubicle.......starting in Feb.....site will hold contest....." I think pear dude would be a great character for you to enter!

Dad is doing pretty good. I started a few nights ago coming home to spend the night. I wouldn't have done it if I thought dad wouldn't be ok. I don't know how long the new arrangement will last but right now it feels right. He can call me, or he has one of those life line buttons he can push if he needs help.

And one more time......

2010-12-20T18:52:00.001-05:00

Dad was admitted to the hospital today. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Hopefully he will only be in the hospital a day or two.

2010-11-16T17:02:00.000-05:00

had a panic attack last night. feel another coming on tonight.

i hate this time of day and this time of year.

i hate being alone. i hate not having friends.

i miss my mom so much. i want my dad back home where he belongs so i can call him and everything will be ok.

if anyone cares the blog on my dad is here: http://howsalvindoing.blogspot.com/

Crap

2010-11-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

I just got a call from the Oaks. They walked into dad's room and found him on the floor. Well on his knees. He is ok, but he doesn't know why he tried to get up or what. I was afraid that was going to happen. They have an alarm on his bed but by the time they hear it he is in the floor. So the alarm does a lot of good huh?

He was to come home tomorrow, but now that he has fallen again. I just don't know.

Just wanted to keep you up to date on what is going on. When I know more about what I'm going to do about bringing daddy home or keeping him at the Oaks, or whatever I will let you know. Right now all I can do is cry and pray about it.

Kathy

Time will tell

2010-11-14T16:19:00.002-05:00

Dad was supposed to have came home yesterday. But he fell on Friday and every time he sat up he got very dizzy. Because the doctor was taking him off some medicines we decided to wait until Monday (tomorrow) before coming home. Hoping the change in medicines and some time would work things out for him.

Tomorrow is the day daddy is supposed to come home. But since this past Friday he can't even sit on the side of the bed without getting so dizzy he practically falls back into the bed if you aren't there to help him lay down.

So what is going to happen tomorrow? How can I take care of him if he is for all purposes bedridden? And if the insurance won't pay for a hospital bed how is he going to sit up to eat?

Have been having so many anxiety attacks. Tons of crying.

The curtain rod in dad's living room was pulling away from the wall. I got it down just as it was pulling a hole in the wall. I bought a different type rod and some new curtains. I knew I had to get something up before tonight. It was horrible. Many tears, some curse words, and I have something up but it isn't going to stay. I couldn't get the screws into the wall all of the way, I couldn't get the thing that goes in the middle to help hold the curtain rod up. I just hope it all holds until tomorrow. Of course when am I going to get it back down and fixed right when I have to do something about daddy.

So if God doesn't give you more than you can handle.......just how much does He think I can handle at one time?

Monday

2010-10-18T10:36:00.000-04:00

When I got to the hospital they had a sitter with dad. But I don't think it really mattered. He seemed out of it. He was talking about things I didn't understand. I am praying that this is coming from the Haldon they have him on. I am going to try to get the doctor to change it to something else. How can I best decide on what to do for dad if he is out of it all the time?

I am talking about my my "well meaning" relatives that don't live around here, the ones that live close by don't keep in touch. I just need to get this off my chest:

I know people mean well when they say this is something everyone goes through and they get through it. Ok, I know I am not the first person to look after a sick parent. HOWEVER what most people don't understand is I am going through this TOTALLY ALONE. I don't have a brother that is helping me -- in fact I haven't heard from him in months -- I don't have a husband/boyfriend, or even an child to go through this with me. I go to the hospital alone, talk to the doctors alone, try to make life altering decisions for dad alone. I leave the hospital, go to dad''s house to take care of his cats and to pay his bills, alone, and worse still I come home to my house alone. It's just me and the cats.

Yes I know you can't do any more than pray and I understand that. But please understand every thing I am having to do/take care of/whatever when it comes to dad I am doing alone.

How much more can I handle?

2010-10-16T19:41:00.000-04:00

The doctor told me today that when daddy gets to come home that he should not be by himself. He will need someone with him 24/7. I said I didn't know how that would be possible. She suggested I think of "placing him somewhere" and I said no, that isn't possible. Then she suggested that we "merge our households".

I love dad to death, but I can't give up my home and my pets and move in with him. The doctor said that the older he gets the more care he will need. I'm all like "I don't know", I don't have a plan. I thought they would get his blood pressure under control and we would get physical therapy and somehow things would slowly get back to where we were before all this.

NOW the doctor informs me that the kind of blood pressure problems he has is hard to "fix". They can try but it usually doesn't get better. Why didn't they tell me this before now?

Monday they are giving dad a stress test to see if he had a heart attack and if so how much damage his heart may have.

When the heart doctor told dad he would be in the hospital at least until Monday dad thought it meant he would go home Monday. Now that we both have been told something different dad is all upset and says he is coming home Monday. He doesn't care what the doctor says. I keep trying to talk to him to get him to understand stuff but he isn't hearing any of it.

What am I going to do? How much more can I possibly handle?

Kathy

So....how's your life going? :)

2010-10-08T16:32:00.001-04:00

Dad is back in the hospital.

Dad had been falling some but I have been able to "break" his fall. But Wednesday dad took a fall in front of a store while I was parking the car. He didn't seem hurt, it was a few hours before he felt any pain. Thursday morning I called his doctor and got him in for an X-Ray just in case something was broken because he was in a lot of pain.

So, when they were taking the chest X-Ray (at the doctor's office) dad evidently passed out and fell, and hit the floor hard. A huge knot came up on dad's head and his side/chest area was killing him (same side he had fallen on the day before). The doctor's office called 911 and dad was off to the ER.

In the ER they ran all kinds of tests and even took chest X_rays twice. Nothing is broken. And they were going to let dad come home, but then his blood pressure starting doing crazy stuff. When his blood pressure was taken while laying down it was really high, then when he set up and they took it it fell like 80 points. No wonder he had dizzy spells. There is a word for it but I can't remember. Anyways they admitted dad.

Today dad has still been in a lot of pain, and they have gotten his blood pressure down. HOWEVER dad started talking crazy and was freaking me out. The doctor thinks it is coming from all the morphine they have dad on so they are changing from morphine to vicodin. It is also a narcotic that can cause delirium but since it isn't as strong the hope is that it won't mess up dad's thinking as bad.

They still have to work on dad's blood pressure. They need to take it with him laying, sitting, then standing. Right now they can't take it standing because he is too weak to stand. Also the medicine that got his blood pressure down goes against his kidneys (which is why the kidney doctor took him off it). So it may come down to the lesser of two evils.

Prays for daddy and me are greatly appreciated.

So tired.....

2010-09-15T17:58:00.002-04:00

Please don't misunderstand what I am about to say. I love my dad. I am thrilled to be able to take care of him.

But I am tired. I am so tired. I would give my right arm to have a day to just stay home, in bed. Dad just doesn't understand when I say I'm tired. He thinks I just need more sleep. It's not that. It is a mental/physical/soul kind of tired.

If I had a real brother (yes I do have a real one, but he is just not going to do anything for dad or me. haven't heard from him in awhile. he and his wife are basically homeless and last I heard living with his oldest daughter and her husband) who would come stay with dad to give me a break it would be so great. Wishful thinking.....

I have so much that needs to be done at my house, cleaning, laundry, cats to the vets, and baths. Oh to have the time to take even a shower!

I don't get much done around Dad's house because he constantly wants me to do this/that, take him somewhere. And naturally he wants what he wants when he wants it or he will sulk and act like a little 2 year old.

Dad has 1 more speech therapy session, and he does great for the therapist. He can speak so you can understand him but does he? I have to keep after him to raise his voice and speak slowly. He won't do it around me unless I keep asking him to repeat himself and then he gets mad at me for telling him that he KNOWS how to speak so I can understand him so please do it. The therapist asked him why he won't speak up. Then she said maybe you just don't want to be heard and he stood there and agreed with that. I wanted to strangle him! As much as I try to do for him the least he can do is speak so I can understand him.

Thanks for the ear/shoulder guys. I miss you all. I miss people. Dad is the only person in my life. I can't get to church or anything. Every time I try -- and I tell him what I want to do and he agrees I need to have some time to myself -- he will do something or want something so I can't do it.

Life is grand. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Kathy

Update on my dad

2010-09-03T03:36:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone. Just wanted to update you a little on dad.

As you may or may not know dad had a small stroke on August 18th (I think that is the right date). We thought it had only affected his speech. And we set up things for a speech therapist to come out and work with him and a physical therapist to help him get some of his strength back.

This past Monday (August 30th) dad started having problems with the vision in his left eye. I got him into the eye doctor that afternoon. We found out that when he had his stroke he also had a stroke in his eye. The doctor was optimist about it but sent dad to a specialist -- whom we saw today.

Good news and bad news about his eye. Good news it shouldn't get worse. Hopefully that is. Bad news is what he can see out of that eye now is as good as it is going to get. He is for all purposes blind in that eye. Dad has to go to the eye specialist every few months for him to check the eye. The fear is that the blood vessels in dad's eye could start to die. If they do that the doctor has to hurry and do laser surgery on the eye. If we do not stay on top of this and the blood vessels die there is a possibility that dad could lose that eye.

Daddy is pretty depressed, can't say as I don't blame him.

I need to come back and update you on my brother - whom you could say he with is wife is homeless. Right now they are staying with their oldest daughter and her husband. But it has been a weird and strange summer for them. Lots to tell you. Just have to make time to tell you about it. I am pretty busy with dad so I am not sure when you will get to hear my story.

Love all you guys,

Kathy

depressed

2010-07-23T17:27:00.002-04:00

A week ago today one of my neighbors (the next block up) killed himself. I didn't really know him or his wife. We knew each other by sight and to wave when we passed by.

So why it his death bothering me so much?

If, as rumor has it, he died the way I heard it wasn't pleasant. And his poor wife. She came home from work around 10:30pm and found him in the back yard. Naturally she called 911. And naturally since a gun was involved the police treated it as a murder or whatever and took the wife to the police station to test her hands for gun powder residue. And because the police had to do their thing my neighbor lay dead in his yard until about 4:30am.

No notice was in the paper until yesterday so I am guessing that is because the police made them do an autopsy or something. There is a memorial service for him tonight. Which I also find strange. I have never heard of memorial services at 8 pm.

so funny

2010-07-08T19:50:00.000-04:00

It hurts, really hurts

2010-07-03T18:03:00.002-04:00

My brother has been out of work and they are not extending his unemployment benefits. His youngest daughter lives in Texas with her husband. Last year sometime R mentioned that if he was out of work too long he and P could move back home with dad. I told him he could forget that. With all that he and P put the family through over the years, there is no way P could live there. So now without a job and all he and P decided to move to Texas and live with G (their daughter) while looking for work there. Supposedly there are jobs in El Paso..

R had told us that he would move either around the first of July or the last of it.

R didn't call dad on Father's Day or me on my birthday. So we hadn't heard from him in about a month.

N -- R's middle daughter -- called me and was asking if I had heard from R. I told her no, had she. N then tells me that R is on the way to Texas, in fact G said he was probably somewhere in Oklahoma at the time.

I figured he would leave without saying anything. But I had no idea how much it would hurt for him not to come, call, email, or anything. He just leaves the state without saying anything. Without seeing me or dad for what probably would be the last time ever. I guess it says a lot on how he views us as family. I felt that would would never be close -- something mom died thinking we would one day -- and I expected him to just leave and go to Texas, but I sure didn't think I would feel as hurt as I do right now. How in the world could he just leave and not say anything to me or dad?

Just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening -- well reading....

Oh, just so you know N is the only one of the 3 nieces I have that is in touch with me. If it weren't for her I wouldn't have known any of this.

Thursday July 1 2010

2010-07-01T19:17:00.004-04:00

Lots of nothing much has been happening around here.

A few things...........on June 22nd I turned 50 years old. 50! Wow.....I surely don't feel "that old". But I have never been 50 before so I don't know how it is supposed to feel.

My brother is being the @$$ he has always been, but more so. I don't know why I let the things he does -- or doesn't do -- bother me.

Dad is doing ok. His wound still isn't completely healed but it is getting there. We did get into a huge fight today over something that I have no control over. Dad never says he is sorry, he jumps to conclusions, tells me what he just knows I am going to say (and 99% of the time he is wrong). I love him. I don't mind taking care of him at all. But there are days -- like today -- that I feel like I just can't take it much longer. But I do and I will.

This picture is kind of blurry, it is of me and mom. We got matching rings when we found out she was going to die. They are silver bands that say forget me not.

really really weird dream

2010-05-06T16:27:00.002-04:00

had a really weird dream. i was at work and mom called to tell me to get home. i said i couldn't but she insisited. i got home and she told me that the world was supposed to come to an end but it couldn't because something had to happen first. God told her that i needed to do something.

weird huh? i have never really tried to read anything into my dreams, but i wonder about this one. i haven't dreamed about mom since before she died.

I haven't been here since December?

2010-04-12T20:16:00.002-04:00

Hard to believe that I haven't been here in so long. I have thought about the old blog and the people here. I don't think too many people have missed me. But that's ok, life gets that way.

Dad is doing great. His surgical wound isn't completely healed yet and he still has the colostomy bag. He walks with a cane. We are having problems with his blood pressure. In fact I had him to the ER this past Saturday. When he goes from laying to sitting to standing his blood pressure makes huge drops which makes him dizzy. Dad is now having to sleep with his head elevated to a 30 degree angle to see if that will make a difference. He may have to go higher. Also he has sleep apnea and hasn't used his CPAP machine since before he got sick - a little over a year ago. The ER doctor said that could be affecting his blood pressure so he should start using it. Dad doesn't want to do that.

I worry about dad doing all he should for his blood pressure. It gets so high when he is laying/sleeping that the doctor said he could have a stroke.

A nurse still comes out 2 times a week to check on dad and his wound. I usually get up around 4 am and go to his house. I like to be there when he gets up and I always seem to wake up around 4 am and think if I go back to sleep I will wake up late. So I just go on to his house and go back to sleep on his couch.

I spend most of the day with dad. Then I come back to my house for a few hours in the evening and night.

I have managed to get dad to agree to quit driving and in fact he even got rid of his truck and car. THANK GOODNESS, as I was worried about his driving BEFORE he got sick. Of course he gets mad if I don't take him where he wants to go, when he wants to go, but sometimes I think he has already overdone it, or I am just too tired from taking care of him. He just doesn't seem to get it.

Maybe I will start to post more. I hope so. I would really like to get back into the swing of things here.

Love ya!

Kathy

I'm still around.

2009-12-19T20:03:00.002-05:00

I was really good at keeping a blog when I had one on AOL, then they did away with them and blogging just hasn't been the same for me. Actually I think I was "slowing down" around the time my mom got sick and died. My blogging has been downhill ever since. Dad got sick earlier this year and because his family was everywhere but here I kept a blog with daily updates on him for them. I rarely update that blog since dad finally came home.

So what am I trying to say? Not sure. Will I try to start up blogging again? Don't know. I may start reading other blogs more, but I refuse to comment on each one just so I can get people to visit me here. Some people I thought were friends but unless I leave them comments they don't come around. Too bad. But that is a game I refuse to play.

If you don't remember....dad was in ICU for 7 weeks, hospital stay was a total of 2 months and then he rehabbed in a nursing home for 3 months, that is a total of 5 months being away from home. It was really hard on the both of us. I am his caretaker now. I can spend less and less time at his house but I have to change his bandage (his operation left an open wound) every day and he has the colostomy bag that I get to deal with. But I am so glad to have him home.

That's it for now. I'll be around....

relaxed alertness?

2009-10-14T17:52:00.002-04:00

Me again.

In my little corner of the world the world is getting nastier. Yup. Because of domestic violence 2 cops were shot and a man shot and killed by the cops, 6 days later on of the cops died. All of that took place outside of a fast food restaurant. The neighborhood watch for my little corner of the world sent out an email telling us of local (about 3 blocks from where I live) of some "major gang/vandalism" it was calling for a priority 2 crime alert. I didn't go to the neighborhood watch meeting a few months back so I am not real sure what the "priority 2 crime alert" is. HOWEVER at the end of the email in bold type was a sentence that said ".......please keep the awareness of your surroundings at a heightened state of relaxed alertness at all times." Huh? A what? "awareness of your surroundings at a heightened state of relaxed alertness at all times". A "heightened state of relaxed alertness". Hmmm.....I didn't know you could do that. Kidding, but it is an odd way of saying we don't want to scare you so just stay alert but not overly so?

Well I am not really worried about my personal person being harmed, I do worry about my house getting broke into or something like that. As long as I am not home at the time I'll deal. I have taught about getting a dog sometime. Yeah, I could go the gun route but they scare me too bad, I just can't go that route. I am just not ready for a dog. It would have to be one I could keep indoors and the thought of house breaking it and taking it out several times a day 365 days a year is just a bit much for me right now.

Dad is doing ok. Aunt Betty bless her heart is doing better. She got 2 units of blood yesterday so that perked her up some.

Need a good laugh?

2009-10-12T18:17:00.002-04:00

Need a laugh?

Check this out:

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

You start to worry about what you wear every time you leave home. LOL

no turtle title...

2009-10-07T19:01:00.002-04:00

Just dropping in to say hello. I'm still here. I'm tired. But all is well. I spend most of my time at dad's house looking after him. I have started coming home at nights to be with my little kitties and to take a break. My Aunt Betty fell last week and broke her wrist. They won't operate (because the doctors are afraid to put her under) so she is having to do with a cast or splint or something (I get confused easily these days) and she is in quite a bit of pain but she is coping. I'm missing mom really bad. This will be the 2nd fall/winter season without her.

Kathy

Turtles give rides to their little friends?

2009-09-29T19:06:00.003-04:00

Well it has been almost 4 weeks since dad came home. I am able to spend the night at my house now. I could have probably been doing it sooner but I wanted to be sure of dad and everything. He is doing really good. I am really impressed at how well he is coming along. I spend most of the day at his house. When he naps I come to my house and play with my cats. Exciting life huh? LOL

I have to change the dressing on dad's wound everyday and then there is the colostomy bag that I take care of too. Actually the bag isn't all that bad. Yeah it does have an odor when you open it but we flood the room with air freshener.

Dad's best friend got married the 2nd week dad was home and we were going come heck or what. Ended up taking dad in the wheelchair. We had a nice time. The church was wheelchair accessible, but to get into the front door there was this little incline --- but pushing a wheelchair it felt like a HUGE hill. LOL Dad's friend called him the next day to see how he was doing. Neat. Second day being married and he calls to check up on my dad.

Not much to write about. Oh, can I rant for a second?

Roman Polanski........So they finally got him and everyone says drop the charges and leave the man alone. BULL CRAP! I don't care that it has been like 30 years, he RAPED a 13 year old and he pleaded GUILTY. He then left the USA before he could be sentenced and sent to jail. He should have to do the time. I'm sorry but every time I hear when someone is caught after years and years on the run and people say they aren't the same person they used to be, leave the alone....I WANT TO PUKE! And who knows how many other little girls Polanski may have raped that we don't know about? The man plead guilty so we know for sure he did the rape so now let the creep do time.

Kathy

Wonder if turtles get headaches?

2009-08-31T18:58:00.003-04:00

I spent the longest time trying to add a list of blogs to the column over there to your right. Some time while I was adding to the list Google signed me out and I lost the list. Grrrr........ And I have discovered if I upload a graphic from my computer straight to the blog it loses its animation. Darn. I know I should have uploaded to Photobucket first but I didn't think. That's my problem lately, I don't think.

The weather was a lot cooler today and we had some rain this morning. I love cooler weather. The older I get the less I can handle heat. I know dad and I will probably have some arguments on the air condition/heat settings when he gets home. Oh well.....

I could write more but I am tired. Maybe tomorrow.

Do turtles have pets?

2009-08-29T18:57:00.002-04:00

It is amazing how lonely I can feel at times. It feels like I am the only person on the earth.

When mom was alive I would always call her when I felt like this. I love my dad but he just doesn't understand how I feel. I really have to find a way (and make an effort) to make some friends. They don't have to be close friends, but at least someone to talk to on the phone. When my phone rings I know it's dad on the other end, well sometimes Aunt Betty but that is all that calls.

Now that I am looking after dad it seems like an uphill battle to get out and make a life. Of course I am getting old to be out making friends or doing stuff. But I don't want to live the rest of my life like I feel right now. And I have a feeling that I will.

I'll be fine. I'm just in a mood. Give me some sleep (or some food) and I will be ok.

Do turtle's have hairy legs?

2009-08-29T14:33:00.001-04:00

If you don't know by now the big news is:

Dad is coming HOME on Sept 3rd. That is this upcoming Thursday. That will mark his 93rd day in rehab and week 24 since his surgery.

It is so hard to comprehend the fact that it has been 24 weeks, just a little over 5 months -- FIVE months since dad has been home. Sometimes it feels like it has been forever and that this day would never come, other days........well even on those other days it feels like it has been forever.

Turtles get bored too.

2009-08-23T15:08:00.002-04:00

I was looking around at icanhascheezburger and found the above picture. Too cute. I love that site even though I don't go there too often.

Dad is coming home in 2 weeks. Still trying to get everything at his house ready for him. His bed is really high so we talked and I went and bought a new bed frame. Well dad thinks I paid too much and he called my brother who happens to have one he is willing to give dad. I should be happy, I should be thrilled. I am not either of those. I spent time getting that stupid thing, went to the other side of town to a store dad told me to go to and it was out of business, I ride around and find a bed frame somewhere else, NOW I have to spend the time taking the stupid thing back to get a refund for dad. I am a selfish little brat right now. I really don't want to spend the time to take it back. Oh dad asked my brother help me take it back (using his truck) but I have to go with him and.......bro is coming in the afternoon tomorrow to take down the old bed and put up a new one and by the time he gets around to taking the one I bought back I will have been gone all day and I just want to sit on my hiney at home. I am so tired. BUT being the good daughter I am........I'll get it over it. Why didn't dad ask around for a free frame before I went to buy one?

If you don't count my current attitude (which I will get over, I shouldn't feel this way anyway) everything is ok. Dad will soon be home. So I won't have to be running all over the place - just to his house.

Take care.

Turtles Kissing

2009-08-19T20:35:00.003-04:00

Click on the turtles to see the site they are for sale on.
(I have never ordered from this site, I just found these
cute turtle salt and pepper shakers and wanted to post them)

Dad seems depressed. After talking with him I think he is getting nervous about coming home. He said that he has been gone for so long he doesn't know what it will be like at home. I really do believe he is having quite a bit of anxiety over this. I have no idea how to handle this. I wasn't expecting anything like this, I have no idea what to do or say that will help dad get through the upcoming weeks.

I marked on the calendar in dad's room how many days he has before he comes home. I did it because he acted like he just couldn't picture when he was actually coming home. Now I worry that it will be giving him more anxiety as he can see the days counting down.

I have tried to reassure dad on anything that I can pick up on that he might be nervous about. But I just can't seem to ease his mind. He is even worried that the cats won't remember him.

Kathy

Turtle wearing shoes

2009-08-13T17:33:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I didn't find any pictures of turtles in shoes, but this did pop up:

found over at: neatorama

How I got a dog picture when looking for a turtle I have no idea.

Yesterday 2 of dad's friends came over to his house to install a ramp (well 2 actually) at the front of the house. So if dad is in a wheelchair or using a walker it will be tons easier for him to get in and out of the house. And for two "old dudes" Tom and Mike did a great job!!!! I am so very proud of them both. And hats off to Tom because I didn't have to ask for this to be done, he just showed up one day to measure and said it had to be done. How great is that? Dad has some great friends.

Not much to say. Oh today is dad's 71st day in rehab and today marks the 21st week from when he had his surgery. Can't wait to get him home in a few weeks.

Kathy

Turtle a la mode?

2009-08-09T17:50:00.006-04:00

So I am having problems using Bloglines Playlist. Darn. Back to Google Reader I guess. So I will try to make rounds once again and add myself to "follow" some more blogs. I guess most of you guys use Goggle Reader? I added a gadget to the left here so you could use other feeds -- I hope it works for you if you try to use it. I would prefer to get feeds that come to your email but not everyone has that set up on their blogs.

I should stop complaining. Remember the AOL alerts we used to get? And how we complained? LOL You can make us happy no matter what they give us! LOL

Oh well, no news here. Same old stuff just a different day.

Kathy

I did a google search for "turtle a la mode", I mean, like, you NEVER know what you will find on the web. I didn't find any turtles with ice cream (well, I did find this , and this
and even Martha Stewart had this) but I did find a couple really funny stuff here and this one. (Also a really "can't believe they filmed that" link showed up for a youtube video showing turtles er..... mating.....and the male was um.... enjoying it. No I didn't save the link.)

Turtle in a tutu

2009-08-08T17:08:00.004-04:00

I started this blog with titles having to do with turtles. Why not? I mean you need a title and sometimes there is no real title to what you are blogging about. So I may stick with the turtle themed titles. Until I can't think of anything weird to say about them anyways. LOL

Dad got the bright idea that he wants his bedroom (at home) painted and new curtains up before he comes home. He is paying my brother to come paint (bro is out of work and needs the money), but I was the one left to pick out curtains and paint. No, wait, dad said just paint the room white (the color it is now) but I decided nope, we were going to do something different. I am not really sure he is going to like the curtains and paint I picked out.......but by the time he gets home it will be too late to change anything! LOL

Thanks for the comment Susan! I still have my old gmail account and am using a new one that is connected to this blog. Just click on the monkey to your right and it should open an email to me.

Do turtles have pinkie toes?

2009-08-07T13:17:00.002-04:00

I have started trying to visit blogs and add them to my google reader. But honestly I hate that thing. It was so easy to use but they changed something and now I get all confused. So I am trying out Bloglines Playlist. So if you don't see me as "following" your blog I might have you on my playlist. At least for now. I'll have to see how it goes. And it is taking me a little while to get everyone's links added.

Unless something happens dad will be coming home on Sept. 3rd. This is great news but also a tad sad. Why sad? Because I am selfish! Really I am. I will have to stay with dad most of the time (I've been told he shouldn't live alone anymore but I really can't see us living together either) which means I will have next to no time at my house with my cats and with my computer. No computer or internet hookup at dad's. And even though I have thought about buying one of those mini laptops, I can't see adding an internet bill to everything else. At least not at this time.

So you see, I am feeling selfish. I want dad home really bad and I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure he is taken care of, but face it his life and mine isn't ever going to be the same again. I sound like a horrible daughter don't I? Thinking of me.

Kathy

What color nail polish would a turtle wear??

2009-08-04T18:22:00.003-04:00

I was going to post a photo today that kind of explains where I got my new screen name from. But due to technical difficulties that's not going to happen today. So you will just have to see this in your head.

Way back in the early 1980's I bought a poster and put it in a frame. I totally love the poster even to this day but am the only person that thinks it's cool. It has a starry night sky with a full moon and there is this turtle soaring through the sky with a little frog on his back.

I see that turtle (and I have always liked turtles) flying through the night sky (with his buddy the frog) and I think of how wonderful the turtle must feel, leaving the earth behind and "soaring to new heights", bigger and better things.

Who thought a turtle could fly? Who thought that I would have the worst 1 and 1/2 years of my life only to not only GET through it, but become stronger and marginally sane all at the same time? Who knew I had it in me?? Certainly not me. And I don't think any family members thought so either.

As for the title of this blog...........you will have to wait for another day.

Kathy

UPDATE:: I don't believe it, I found a photo online of someone else with the same poster!! Check it out here: turtle/frog poster and the guy the picture belongs to has it in his blog here (WARNING a pencil drawing of a nude woman is on the entry this is linked to. Tasteful if that's possible for a nude but still nude)

Becoming A Butterfly

2009-08-03T13:08:00.002-04:00

I have decided to keep doing what I started over at my Wildflower blog. Again a different blog name but same stuff. I have already transferred some old entries to the new place:

http://raindropsonflowers.blogspot.com/

If you never visited the old place now is the time for you to start fresh with me at the new place.

Turtle Toe Soup is my main blog, and Turning Into A Butterfly in my enlightening place (I think that is what it is.......how would you describe it?

Kathy

How many toes does a turtle have?

2009-08-02T18:35:00.003-04:00

I am exhausted. Last Thursday made it 19 weeks since dad's surgery that started us on this wild, crazy ride. I HOPE, hope that he will be able to come home soon. All of this running around is killing me.

I go to my dad's house twice a day to feed and play with his 2 cats, I go to the nursing/rehabilitation place twice a day to visit dad. I have had to stay on top of the doctors, nurses, CNA's, almost from the time dad was in the emergency room 19 weeks ago until now. It is amazing how some professionals either don't know how to do their job, don't care how they do their job, or just plain old "it's not my job". errrrrrrr

Kathy

A brand new me/blog

2009-08-01T18:56:00.002-04:00

Hello world.

I have been in blogger-land before. With another screen name and blog name.
With so many changes that have happened in my life I decided it was time to
start anew, and that means a new name and a new blog.

I don't know that much else will change here -- although I do hope to update
more often than I was at the old place.

Where did the new name and blog title come from? You will just have to wait
for another entry before I tell ya.

Kathy